Feelings
by Sparkling Slayer
Summary: Spoilers for end S5/start S6. Smalley fic from Spike's POV. Please read and review!! It's a first draft so I'd be grateful for feedback..


Disclaimer: All characters herein are owned by Joss Whedon and Fox and/or UPN, except any I invent. I use them with grateful thanks and hope I do a good job!

Author: Jacqueline Burns – jay.b@slayme.com

Use: Please ask first but as long as you credit it to me and don't steal it, then I can't see a problem!

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Do you want to know how it felt? 

When I fell from the tower? And then, when I crawled from the dust and debris and saw – saw you? Lying there. You looked so peaceful……..even now the pain tears at me, and I can still remember how you looked, remember so clearly that I want to die. I fell forever and then you were gone when I landed. The world – my world – black and empty. But now you're back. 

Will you ever read this? I don't know. Will I let you read this? Hell. I don't know that either. But I write it, because I can't tell you how I feel. You won't let me, but I know you know. You sense what I feel for you because you return it. _Don't you_?

I've never felt such pain as that. Not in all my long years. I felt like I'd been ripped apart when we – saw you. _How could you do it_? I know you love Dawnie, hell, I do too. But how could you give your own life for us? I admit it - because you're above us, you're better than we'll ever be. Any of us. You're like no other Slayer I ever met.

Your body was there but we knew – you'd gone. Left us….. I never want to feel that again, but I still can't stop what and how I feel. If you died again, it would be the same. If my heart was alive, it would have died with you, when you leapt through the Portal to save us. When you gave us the only gift you had to give. What was it the 'lil Bit said you told her? "_The hardest thing is to live in this world. Be brave. Live. For me._" The only harder thing than that is being dead in this Godforsaken world and knowing that the only thing that makes it bearable is gone.

The fall didn't kill me. I wish it had, but vampires are tougher than humans. The demon side of me takes care of that, but – but I couldn't save her from pain. Couldn't save the 'lil Bit from being sliced, couldn't stop the Ritual beginning. I tried, I tried so hard, but – well. You know. You were there. You stopped Glory, but she wasn't the danger, was she? Oh no. Sometimes they shine so brightly you forget there are those that worship them, that would do anything themselves to destroy whole words, bring the creatures of hell flooding in. They want nothing more than death and destruction and they don't care who pays the piper.

I tried my best. For you. Always for you. Hell, let that damned crazy God beat the hell out of me, but I kept my mouth shut. Knew I couldn't bear to know I'd hurt you, knew you'd never forgive me if she found out through me that Dawn was The Key. I love that kid almost as much as I love – well. Never mind. She beat me and she hurt me, and I still kept your faith. I hoped you'd come. But I still knew, deep down, that you thought I'd betray you to the great and insane Glorificus. When you came to me in the crypt – that kiss. I treasure it. I know I'm a monster, but you – you don't treat me that way. 

And then you jumped, you silly bitch. Into the lightning and the energy. Into the Portal. You never screamed, not once. I would have done anything to save you that. What pain you must have felt……..where did you go? Well, I know now, don't I? But they don't. It would kill them, destroy them, especially Red…….

God, I wanted to kill you myself for what you made us – made _me_ - feel. We buried your body beneath the trees in the woods. Xander (he's getting good with his hands, that one) carved the headstone for you. What should we have written on it? We wrote what we felt. I know the others thought of me as a monster, but you made it different. They accepted me because you made them. They still don't trust me, but – they let me help. They know I can't hurt them myself, 'cause of this damned chip, but I could betray them to others. I know I've done it before and they won't believe me if I say I've changed. I think now, even if the chip wasn't there, I'd be different. But you'd believe me. Wouldn't you?

You were gone, but every time I turned round, I saw your face and your body. Reminding me of what I'd lost. Always there, twisting the knife deeper and deeper into my pain. What am I talking about? The Buffybot. So like you but not you. A – a bloody thing, without your fire, your sparkle, your –_ you._ I couldn't bear to look at her, but she did the job for us. Kept most of the vampires at bay. We patrolled as a group, you know. They let me help that much. All I'm good for, without you, killing other monsters. Willow directed – I don't think you all realise just how powerful she really is – and the rest of us dusting and killing. We did a good job. 

And as for the 'lil Bit - Dawnie likes me; we get on. An odd combination, I know. Ex-evil vampire, young girl. But it works, for some reason. I sit for her, we – we have fun. We talk about you. Exchange thoughts and feelings. We talk about other stuff as well. Sometimes we don't talk. We just sit. You trusted her to me, and I'll die again myself before I let anything hurt her. Ever.

And then – you came back. I don't know what Willow and the others went through to bring you back to us; I know it can't have been good or they'd have told Giles - they didn't trust me either. I should hate them for that. Didn't tell me anything, and then – I saw you. Looking for the 'lil Bit, and there you were. _ Really real_,_ really you._ Not the Buffybot, but you. _Alive. Breathing. Warm._ And – the look in your eyes. Never seen you look that way before. Scared and yet – stronger, somehow. But different, like someone else was looking out of your eyes for a moment. If I could breathe, it would have taken my breath away. I just – I can't describe how it felt to see you on those stairs with Dawnie. I wanted to cry, scream, shout. Shake you. Hug you. Kiss you till you begged for mercy. Warring emotions with no release. 

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And I saw your hands. Bleeding, weren't they? You tried to hide them away, so I couldn't see. But I knew, then. You clawed your way from your coffin, didn't you? Up through the silk lining, ripping through the wood, clawing the earth aside. Climbing from your own grave. Seeing your own headstone. I know you now the way the others never can. Coming back from the dead forms a pretty damn exclusive club, and they're not invited. _Ever. _ I tried to tell you then, but – the others came back. And took you away from me. I knew I shouldn't be there, that's why I left – they needed to see you too, needed to know you were alright. They think everything's alright now you're back. But I know that it's not. I saw that look in your eyes. 

Does Willow even realise what she did? She thinks she rescued you from some hell dimension, from eternal torment and pain but – deep down? Somewhere she knows the truth. Of what she – ripped you away from. Of where you really were. When you told me – God. I wanted to shake her till her teeth rattled, but I knew I couldn't. You asked me not to tell them, not to let them know what they'd done to you. It would destroy them. Destroy Willow. She's turning, you know. I know you'll never believe it of her, but there's darkness there. And it isn't the darkness of the Slayer's powers, either. She needs to keep control of it, of her power, of herself, or she could destroy us all with a thought. You always hurt the ones you love. Don't you? Or that's what they say, anyway.

I know you're happy that Giles is back. Why haven't you told him? Did you tell me because I'm the only one you can confide in, who knows what you went through? Or is it because – well. I know you feel something for me. I think that's why you trusted me. And when you're ready to tell me how you feel, when you're ready to let me really help you, you know where I'll be. Waiting. Always……..


End file.
